BLACK AND WHITE LINKS AND TIDBITS FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT See what happens when our Canadian friends fuck up and elect (sort of) a right-wing Jesus-freak conservative asshole like Screamin' Stephen Harper? The first thing he does is to Pledge his Allegiance to our own Preznit Dubya by offering to bite off more than his military can chew in Afghanistan. Then, he tries to don the macho mantle by giving that doomed-from-the-get-go effort an incredibly revealing name like Operation Mountain Thrust. I mean, Jesus Fucking Nailholes! Repress much?! Sigmund Frued himself couldn't have conceived a more telling slip. Yet more evidence for yer old pal Jerky's theory that, the purer the strain of conservatism, the more it looks like a parody of itself. Just like fascism. Speaking of regretting your words, Preznit Dubya put his foot in his mouth AGAIN yesterday when he mocked reporter Peter Wallsten for failing to take off his "shades" before asking a question. The problem? Wallsten wears the shades because he's fucking blind!!! Later that same day, desperate to avert a PR disaster, Dubya phoned Wallsten and personally apologized for his gaffe. While he doubtless enjoyed having the Leader of the Free World (sic) abjectly grovelling before him, Wallsten says he would have preferred if the Preznit had simply answered his fucking question... which he didn't. Ever wonder why some guy's got a red hanky hanging out of his right hand pocket? In the author's words, "This is the most complete listing of hanky color codes I've ever seen." Actually it's the only one. Happy hunting, homos! There's a lot of things about George "Father of the Nation" Washington that yer old pal Jerky never knew before watching this incredibly educational videoclip. For instance, the fact that he invented cocaine and was 12 storeys tall. He eats fried chicken, steals shit, drinks Olde English and loves grape soda. In other words, it's not for nothing that Jigaboo Jones is rated number one in the world of niggers (self-declared). Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY June 9 On this day in 1971, by overturning the conviction of war protestor Paul Cohen -- who had written "Fuck the Draft!" on his jacket -- the United States Supreme Court finds that the First Amendment does, indeed, protect vulgar writing... Thank FUCK! On this day in 1980, legendary comedian Richard Pryor accidentally sets himself on fire while freebasing cocaine. Badly burned over 80% of his body, it was a tragic irony that during his months-long hospital stay, Pryor added a variety of pain-killers and powerful laxatives to the already lengthy list of substances to which he was addicted. On this day in 1979, Willie Horton is honored at Seattle's Kingdome. Not that Willie Horton. The other Willie Horton. On this day in the year 1978, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints -- known to you and I as the Cult of Mormon -- strikes down its long-standing policy of excluding black men from the priesthood, probably because they're running out of stupid white people to con into believing their sham mythology. June 10 On this day in the year 1692, Bridget Bishop becomes the first person to be hanged for witchcraft during the Salem Witch Trials. In all, 20 people have their lives cut short by their former friends and neighbors before somebody points out how fucking retarded it is to hang people for no good reason. Who says small town country living is safe?! On this day in 1985, French agents restore a sense of pride to the nation's much maligned military by blowing up the un-armed Greenpeace boat Rainbow Warrior. A photographer drowns when he tries to retrieve his equipment from the rapidly sinking ship. HAPPY 42nd BIRTHDAY to Timothy Van Patten of the Van Patten clan, born on this day in 1959! This Van Patten scion has the distinct distinction of being one of the single worst actors in the history of television. His mumbling, quasi-mongoloid diction and his propensity for spitting out his dialogue as though he were vomiting words made watching even his biggest "hit" -- The Master, starring the elderly Lee Van Cleef as a super-human, explosive shuriken-wielding, Caucasian "ninja" -- even more unwatchable than you're thinking right now. June 11 Remember that Buddhist monk who set himself on fire in the streets of Saigon to protest the war in Vietnam? Actually, there were a bunch of them, but the one whose picture we all remember was named Quang Duc. The ballsy fucker killed himself -- just to make a point -- on this day in the year 1963. On this day in the year 1184 BC, the Greeks capture some unlucky bastard by the name of Troy. On this day in 1963, President John F. Kennedy declares segregation to be morally wrong, and says that "now is the time to act." He then walks back into the Oval Office and dove into a cocaine-fueled three-way quickie with Joey Heatherton and Pierre Salinger. At least, that's what LBJ believed at the time. On this day in 1990, the United Nations appoints Olivia Newton-John as a "global environmental ambassador." Chaos ensues.

THEY SAID IT! "Based on the review of several different, very specific state and federal requirements, laws and provisions, the unsecured overnight storage of Diebold voting machines and their memory cards in poll workers' houses, cars and garages in the days and weeks prior to the closely-watched election between Republican Brian Bilbray and Democrat Francine Busby violated several federal and state provisions which, if not followed, would revoke the certification of use for the voting systems in any California election." - Why is Bradblog.com the only media outlet doing any serious reporting on this, the single most important of all political stories in America today? *** **** *** "No question Guantanamo sends a signal to some of our friends. It provides an excuse, for example, to say the United States is not upholding the values that they're trying to encourage other countries to adhere to. And my answer to them is that we are a nation of laws and rule of law. These people get picked up off the battlefield and they're very dangerous. I'd like to close Guantanamo, but I also recognize that we're holding some people that are darn dangerous and that we better have a plan to deal with them in our courts." - There are so many things I could say about Preznit Dubya's comments yesterday in reaction to the suicides of three detainees at Camp X-Ray, but what's the fucking point?

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Brummbaer! A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. It's not polite." "OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers' license It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an F in sex!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal N8Possibilities for sending in today's second joke. Bob was teeing off from the back tees. On his downswing, he suddenly realized that his wife, Vickie, was about to tee off from the red tees, directly in his path. Unable to stop his down swing he nailed the ball, hit Vickie directly in the right temple, killing her instantly. A few days later Bob received a call from the coroner concerning her autopsy. "Bob, your wife seems to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and struck her in the temple. Is that correct?" "Yes sir," Bob replied, "that's correct." "Well, Bob, I also found a large bruise on Vickie's right hip. Do you know anything about that?" "Yes sir," Bob said, "That would have been my mulligan." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Andres Raid... One man defecates at the Westminster Bridge. A cop comes to him and says: - Sir, you mustn"t do that! - Fuck you!!! - Sir, but the law!... - I fucked your law!!! - Sir! But our Queen!... - I fucked your queen! - Indeed!??? - In bed!!! - Oh, I"m sorry, Your Majesty...

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: 28 WAYS TO BE AN ASSHOLE NEOCON care of: Kaltros, The Bandit King Jerky, I found way too many ways to continue on this particular vein, but I decided that I had better things to do than keep listing observations about sociopathic flag-waving morons... 1. You have to be foir capital punishment, but against abortion because human life is precious. 2. You have to believe that anything the government does to protect you from terrorists is okay, because life is more precious than anything as esoteric as "freedom". 3. You had to look up "esoteric". 4. You have to believe that the NRA is not merely a bunch of gun nuts when it spends so much money on protecting gun ownership, and not a dime on any other kind of "arms". Nobody ever beat an armed person with anything less than a bigger gun, after all... unless you saw the 06/06/06 link in the Daily Dirt. 5. You have to believe that Federal funding of the arts is stupid, but that Federal subsidies of big businesses that consistently lose money is A-okay. 6. You have to believe that the continued dependence upon limited and toxic fossil fuel in a world full of developing competition for this resource is somehow wise or good for America. 7. You have to believe that human beings are the only species in which homosexual activity is shameful, but that gender roles are perfectly reasonable. 8. You have to believe that condom distribution does nothing to prevent pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases, but that a 50% failure in the Abstinence Pledge is a better bet. 9. You have to believe that not teaching children about sex will override millions of years of the most basic evolutionary impulse. 10. You have to believe that hunters who hide in one spot, baiting tame animals to their location so that they can shoot them from the convenience of their vehicle, care about nature. 11. You have to believe the ACLU is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the NRA is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution. 12. You have to believe that tax cuts for the rich will solve America's financial problems. 13. You have to be convinced that Chelsea Clinton is a complete whore, but that Jenna Bush isn't. 14. You have to believe that Rush Limbaugh deserves compassion for his addiction, rather than a swift kick in the ass and a prolonged jail term. 15. You have to believe that Laura Bush is normal and is a very nice person, and not an alien. 16. You have to believe that America is blessed by one particular god that really does look down on all the other cultures... despite this contradicting what is printed in your holy book. 17. You have to believe liberals telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar who started a war on false pretenses, changed his story, changed it AGAIN and can't commit to any one stance on the immigration issue belongs in the White House. 18. You have to nod your head when people use the phrase "In this day and age" as a justification for any action. 19. You have to believe that manger scenes at Christmas should be constitutionally protected, and any other demonstration of another faith should be hidden away from the public view, if not outright banned. 20. You have to believe that illegal Republican Party funding by the corporations is somehow in the best interest to the United States. 21. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, liberal wing conspiracy instead of just being a snarky, half-assed retaliation to a moronic bit of prattle. 22. You have to believe that it is okay for a person to fail to perform their job duties when it conflicts with their moral code... unless that person refuses to fight in the military or pledge allegiance to the flag. 23. You have to believe that allegience should be mandated by requiring the pledge in schools. 24. You have to believe that June 6th, 2006 is somehow related to the mark of some beast, despite the fact that the Gregorian calendar was not in use when the prophecy was written. 25. You have to believe that a "prayer warrior" isn't just some deluded pissant with delusions of grandeur needing to satisfy their own addiction to emotional ejaculation. 26. You have to believe in IDT, but feel that FSM is just some stupid made-up thing with no evidence. 27. You have to believe that "nukular" is actually a word. 28. You're morally opposed to pornography, but you read the Daily Dirt. [Heheheh... - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Hi Jerky, Regarding Born in the USA being the second most misunderstood song in history what tune do you think holds first place? Best Regards, Chef Paul [This Land is Your Land, by Woodie Guthrie. - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky, All that hate mail's a trip. I don't know about you, but on the rare occasions I smoked some Thai, I got all mellow and shit. Except for once, truthfully, when my heart started beating like a drum and I thought I was going to fucking die. But I chased 2 mg's of Xanax with a couple of Guiness and I was fine. I even got some pussy. WTF? I got your back, dog. ------ Stoned, but capable if need be of jackin' up little fuckers messin' with my boy (what a monniker)! [Hopefully, there will be no need for up-jacking. But I appreciate the sentiment! - Jerky] *** **** *** MOP Jerky, As I sat here reading the rants from your loyal Thai readers a thought jolted my brain as if I had mainlined a hit of windowpane acid.... "Jesus fucking nailholes... it's a whole country of Ann Coulters!!" Another thought (though not quite as revelatory) occurred to me too... if these people can't speak the language how do they know what you wrote? Is it perhaps that your reputation precedes you? lmao YOP Rick [As others have noted, their English is better than my Thai, which is a decent cocktail, for a girl's drink. - Jerky] *** **** *** That Thai Dirt is some funny shit, maan! "How suck you are?" Buffalo fucking? Now there's an image. The only president Americans loved as much as Thais love their king was shot in the head... 43 years ago... in broad daylight... and on film. I guess it is good to be da king when loyalty is your insurance policy against slander, not to mention assassination. Our presidents needed VPs like Spiro Agnew, Dan Quayle and Dick Cheney as their bullet proof vests... with VPs like these, there's no need for the secret service. The Thais are indeed a passionate bunch. I wonder what happens to a king that pisses them off... "hey, Phuk Thang, hold off on feeding the piranhas... guess who's coming to dinner?" YOPHow-suck-I-am [There's no accounting for taste, I suppose. - Jerky] *** **** *** Holy snappin' arseholes, Jerky! WTF was THAT?!?!? Hell, up until about 5 minutes ago, I didn't even know Thailand had a king. I thought Colonel Kurtz was running the place or something. Gotta give the royal stiff credit though. Unlike some royal fambilies, this guy must have the best press agent in the business. He's pushing 80, been doing the king thing since 1946, and the whole country's loopy as a loon over this guy. Hey, good on 'im. You know, if Diana hadda married this guy, the entire country might have keeled over and died from the sheer perfectness of it all. Then again, maybe not. Anyway; Thai-me-land-eroo down, boy. Thai-me-land-eroo down. Seeya. J. M. [I'll Thai-yer-land-eroo down, mate, but I won't be letting your Abo go loose. - Jerky] *** **** *** Joiks; I liked the Thai hate-mail piece. It’s kind of heart warming to find out we American’s don’t have a complete monopoly on mindless jingoist asshole drones that think they speak English but don’t. Have you noticed that the Americans most worried about them illegal aliens speaking Spanish are the ones least likely to be able to be understood in their native English? Finnegan [Yup. - Jerky] *** **** *** Thai Foo-Foo! Superstitious and unenlightened as they are, they write better English than you or I can write Thai. Great post. sdw [That's true. And, to be fair, King Bhumidol isn't all bad. He opened his palace gates to shelter protestors under fire from the military dictatorship's bullets in 1973. Still, I can't fully respect anyone whom it is prohibited by law to criticize. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com