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ON THIS DAY
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January 18
America's first recorded UFO sighting happens on this day in 1644, when a bunch of Boston Pilgrims report seeing a strange glowing object in the night sky. Later that same night, they burn a few witches, just to be on the safe side.
On this day in 1911, amateur pilot Eugene B. Ely becomes the world's first naval aviator when he lands his Curtiss biplane on a temporary platform, complete with tailhook system, which was added onto the deck of the cruiser USS Pennsylvania. This was two months after Ely had become the first person to launch a plane from a ship at sea, and ten months before his death during a flight exhibition in Georgia. Let's all raise a cheer for this reckless pioneer!
On this day in 1991, the United States government acknowledges the CIA had forked out over three hundred thousand dollars to Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega for a variety of "services rendered". The American people momentarily wonder "Who?" -- then shrug and go back to watching Dynasty or whatever the fuck mind-destroying crap was on TV back then.
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THEY SAID IT!
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"I wanna thank Jack Abramoff. You know... just because. ... Who would name their kid Jack when 'Off' is at the end of your last name?"
- George Clooney, from his Golden Globe acceptance speech for the petro-political thriller Syriana.
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"Surely God is mad at America. He's sending hurricane after hurricane after hurricane, and it's destroying and putting stress on this country. ... Itīs time for us to rebuild New Orleans -- the one that should be a chocolate New Orleans. This city will be a majority African American city. Itīs the way God wants it to be. You canīt have New Orleans no other way. It wouldnīt be New Orleans."
- When did New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin turn into a crazy-ass, photo-negative version of Pat Robertson? The stress must really be getting to the man.
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JOKES!
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Today's first joke was sent in by Javaid!
A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can."
"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each."
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Thanks to our old pal Mick for sending in today's second joke.
Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.
The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death.
He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."
She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"
"I don't think so," said the foreman, "He got out three times to go to the men's room."
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WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
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Today's groaner was sent in by Naveed.
A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasn't been home for so long.
She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."
The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?"
"I am only here to get something to eat!"
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READER'S SOAPBOX!
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Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.
TOPIC: UP IN SMOKE
care of: Mr. Finally
Jerky;
Well, it has been a while since I have penned a note to The Dirt. I write today for 2 reasons: guilt (I haven't been as loyal Drit reader as i should be of late) and the need to share some information gathered first hand by yours truly, Mr Finally.
On 27 DEC 2005 the community that my family and I live in was consumed by a wildland fire that burned 7500 acres of farm and ranch land, consumed 125 homes and killed 2 people.
After almost 48 hours, all the fires were put out and people counted their losses. True to form, our governor, Rick Perry (R-Dubya's Flunky) showed up with his perfect hair and flew around surveying damage and pledging help was on the way as did our represenative to the US House, R. Naugebauer (R-Shiftless Cocksucker).
Lo and behold Naugebauer came on the news and more or less said that my town was pretty much on its own but that we are in the thoughts and prayers of Texans and Americans (as if that shit pays the piper).
After I calmed down, I came up with a way to get my town the help it needs. I propose that we change the name of our town to New Bagdad and all convert to Islam. We will claim that we are yearning for democracy and that we love Dubya and apple pie. We will promise to build a shrine to "The Big Dick" Cheney and Goering..eerr..uumm...Rumsfeld. We have oil (a little bit, but it's oil none the less), cattle, some sheep and one of the best deer processing places in the whole state. What's not to like by the benefactors of corporate walefare... eeerrr.. uumm... the US Government??? I think it would work!!
All bullshit aside, it makes me ill to think that people here have been denied any assistance (ASSISTANCE, I didnt say handout) to help get their lives back on the right track. Smiling, do-nothing bastards like our governor and represenative cant be bothered with meeting the people that were burned out or lost someone in the fire. They just rode around in helicopters and "surveyed" damage. Aren't they SUPPOSED to be bothered with doing the best they can do for the people that put them in office? I think assholes of the elected persuasion have forgotten who is supposed to be working for who...
I will say that the Red Cross has done a wonderful job of taking care and coordinating assistance for the ones who were affected as well as kept all us volunteer firemen fed (yep, Mr. Finally is also Fire Chief Finally). The things i have witnessed during these rather harrowing times have restored my faith in people in general and made me even more critical of the ones that are supposed to be elected to look out for our interests.
I just had to vent a little.
YOP,
Mr.Finally
P.S. If any readers are moved to help please make a donation to the Cross Plains, Texas Relief Fund c/o The Red Cross. - M.F.
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FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY!
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Ciao Jerks, Has anyone looked into the effect of the wiretapping on the November elections? Wasn't that what Nixon did that led to his impeachment? Has anyone looked into wiretapping on the previous elections? Don't tell me the Republicans wouldn't do that! Etna Fred.
[No. Yes. No. Okay. - Jerky]
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Jerky It took nearly seven years to write/ratify The Constitution. It wasn't handed down from the mountain. It was developed for an agrarian society (no 'big business' unless you were into slaves), lightly populated, poorly educated and religously diverse. Try applying that mindset to today's society. James of London (PS - My wife and I blew a little weed the other night and watched a re-mastered DVD of The Last Waltz. Ah, those were the days.)
[Yeah, well, did you know that Mister Pibb and Red Vines equals Crazy Delicious? - Jerky]
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MOP, Jerky, That ol' girl on the uglitron better watch her step. With a cavern like that between her legs; if she stubs her toe, all her guts might fall out. I know a man came out of one of those thangs, but that's the first one I've seen that he could go back into! YOP, Kenny"B"
[ROTFLMAOPIMP! - YOPJ]
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Heya Jerky! This article ran in my college newspaper. Thought this might be of interest to you. YOP Wadzy
[Another defense of South Park?! Come on, guys. Let me hate them in peace. - Jerky]
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Hey Jerky; Does death really have a stench? Very interesting article! Dave aka Brummbaer
[Death stinks. Dogs are great. - Jerky]
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MOPJ, Tho I like the caption you posted under last thursday's 2nd Our Stupid, Stupid World pic, that's no Swiss Army Knife in the guy's skull. Sorry to disappoint, but it's a Leatherman (Micra or Mini Tool; I'm not sure which), made in Portland, OR and has nichts to do with the Swiss. (Insert appropriate Oregon joke here.) Cheers, Chuck U. Farley
[Good to know. - Jerky]
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Dear Jerky, A friend of mine and I were intrigued by the "zero-point field" link in a recent Dirt. We're sending along this link for all the quantum physics curious. I really enjoy the Daily Dirt Jerky, thanks a million. Peace, R.E.P.
[You're welcome a million. - Jerky]
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HighYa Jerky... In reference to the following reference on your Cola Poll: "MOPJ, In reference to your cola poll, have you ever heard anybody order a Jack and Pepsi? Case closed." His reasoning is flawed, the case is NOT closed. I was a bartender for 14 years, and have yet to see "Coca Cola" used in a Jack and Coke. The soda guns in bars hold the worst and cheapest in NON-BRAND no name sodas or colas. Thats like saying when you get a cut, you put a Band-Aid on it. Is it a Band-Aid or another Brand Name adhesive strip? We have been brainwashed by the firsts in Brand Name Marketing. Sorry to burst your bubble Brummbaer, But I havent had my Wake n Bake session yet. 1st toke is in your honor Jerky... Keep up the good work. LordVenom
[That's why, whenever yer old pal Jerky goes out, he always brings his own coke! - Jerky]
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Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
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